I have felt like I am drowning for like a month now. I can't seem to catch up. The weight of everything that I have to do is exhausting. It's nothing out of the ordinary, just my everyday life. Which for me makes it seem heavier. If it were something out of the ordinary that there may be an end in sight. But its not, so there's not. Laundry never ends, dishes never end, we are always a day and half behind on school work, I'm always behind on students I need to call. I'm even behind on my hobby. I just finished scrapbooking 2012 for one kid...I have three kids. I'm treading water. I have felt like a huge failure for like three weeks now. This isn't like me, I can usually hold my own. So...I know there is a life lesson here. I have enough faith to know that.
So, here is my second problem....I really miss my mom. The end of March really got to me and I am having a hard time shaking it off. When you love people you hurt for them, and I hurt for a lot of people the last week of March. Going to Alabama always has a recovery period and we were in Alabama the last week of March. My schedule was thrown off and I have had a hard time getting back on track. In the midst of normal, everyday stuff, my heart is aching for one of my children. I am sooooooo thankful that her issues are not major or life threatening, but it is a challenge for her and for me. It seemed like we coasted through with our first child but are hitting some speed bumps with the second. Nothing permanent, but challenging none the less. I can't help it that my heart hurts a little.
In every instance over the last month I have wanted to talk to my mom. Being in North Carolina for so long had gotten me use to not being able to snuggle and hug her, but I talked to her everyday. I mean EVERYDAY! It may have been only for 10 or 15 minutes but she was there. She was so good at giving me honest advice centered around Christ. No cliches. And oh my goodness was she a good listener. I have needed all of that this past month. I have a wonderful husband and good friends but there are just sometimes when one mother needs to talk to her mother. I've tried really hard to hold it together and not loose it this past month. Most of the time I do a good job. But today I bought a whole chicken.
One of my mom's favorite things to do was cook. We cooked together a lot and always shared recipes with each other. She would have loved my new challenge of eating clean and would have constantly sent me recipes. She taught me a long time ago that buying a whole chicken was a great value. Not only can you get two meals out of the meat but you can also make your own stock while cooking it. De-boning the chicken is messy, but we would do it together. Every time we would de-bone a chicken there was a certain part that she would get and she always told me that it was her favorite part of the chicken. She would eat it on the spot. Well, I can't remember what the part was and it breaks my heart. Every time I cook a chicken I try so hard to remember what the part of the chicken was that she loved so much and I can't. I can't remember. So this menial task of cooking and de-boning a chicken breaks my heart every time.
I want to be able to pick up the phone and ask her what part of the chicken is her favorite. I want to tell her that today at Costco a woman got too close to MK and when she thanked her for letting her by MK didn't yell "leave me alone" or "how dare you" at her. I want to tell her that MG finally found a book that she can't put down and that it's Charlotte's Web, yay! I want to tell her that MJ can walk up and down the stairs now on his own. One less thing to worry about. And in the middle of all of these stories I want to ask her for advice. What can I do to keep from drowning?
So today I bought a whole chicken and I cried while I was de-boning the chicken. But when I felt like I needed help a psalm popped into my head. Psalm 121 says "I lift up my eyes to the mountains-where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth." So I took a deep breath and today I will stay afloat, but I still miss my mommy!
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