My Vegan Experiment is Working!

Farmers' Market Haul

I have posted several times on social media about my vegan journey. Several people have asked what works for me and I thought I would try to blog a few times a week about what I am doing. For this post I thought I would share WHY I am doing this and show you how it is working. I will post again soon showing how I make it work. First of all, I am 37 years old and have had four pregnancies and 3 children in the last 10 years. With each full term pregnancy I can show you the part of my body that was destroyed. I am in love with my children and would never have my life any other way but there have been some negative effects on my health. 
I don't come from perfect stock and I seem to have inherited some of the same health issues as my mother and grandmothers. While blood pressure is perfect my cholesterol is high and has been for years. With my second pregnancy I developed high blood sugar and was treated for gestational diabetes. Though my sugars returned to normal after her birth I had the same problem with my 3rd pregnancy. In addition I had hypertension during the pregnancy as well. This was crazy and has never been a problem since. 
So fast forward 3 years since my last child was born....I didn't feel great or even good for that matter. My sleep was horrible, my joints hurt, and my blood sugar would bottom out at about 10:30 am. My mother was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes when she was 35 so I knew that I could easily be headed down the same path. I had blood work run at the beginning of 2016 and it confirmed that my cholesterol was higher and my A1C was now just in diabetic range. This was a little surprising to me because those of you who know us know that we eat a clean diet. We eat VERY little highly processed food and all meats, dairy, and veggies are organic and without antibiotics and hormones. I felt that I ate very balanced. But clearly this was not enough for me. I began to research. I started with documentaries and then branched out from there. I found the documentary Plant Pure Nation and really felt that this would be the best course of action for me. Watch it if you have not already! The basis of the film and all of the books is the health benefits of a whole food/plant based diet. You can be vegan and be unhealthy. Heck...Oreos are technically vegan. The focus has to be on whole foods. So this is what I chose to do. I bought their book and ordered some of their frozen meals to have on hand and I got started. I continued to shop mostly out our local farmers' market and supplement with sprouted grains, beans, and fruit. Because I was use to a clean diet the transition really wasn't that hard for me. 
So the results are in and my experiment is working! Keep in mind I am not finished but I am heading in the right direction. Since April 27th I have lost 15 pounds, my cholesterol is down 14 points and my A1C is no longer in diabetic range. I sleep! Can I scream it from Mt. Mitchell???? I sleep!!!! This is HUGE for me. I know that I will struggle with the cards that genetics have dealt me, but I can win! Since I know that this is working I will continue and now I will start to share what we are doing so that it might help others as well. 

The Days You Never Forget

Seven years ago today my life changed in a way that I never would have imagined. I was 15 weeks pregnant with our second child. At the end of the day I was a shell of a human being, trying to hold it together. While mourning the loss of our child I still had to be a mother, wife, daughter, teacher, sister, and friend. Over a year ago I felt God telling me to write down my story, not knowing how He would use it. Today I want to share it with you so that it may bring comfort to anyone who is living with the loss of a child, whether born or unborn. 

My story....

Four years into my marriage I felt very blessed. Though we were four hundred miles away from family we had good jobs, a nice home, and a beautiful nine month old baby girl. I was very surprised to find out I was pregnant again. Initially I felt very overwhelmed. I remember holding my baby and crying because she was still a baby. I wanted more time to enjoy her. I felt it was too soon. We had a plan to get in better financial shape because it was important for me to be home with our children. In order to do this, I needed to work a little while longer. Another child would mean missed work time, prolonging the total years I would need to work, and a lower income because of childcare costs. Again, I felt very overwhelmed.

It did not take long for these feelings to subside and for excitement to set in. I made a doctor appointment and we were able to confirm the pregnancy and see the heartbeat through ultrasound. I am a teacher and at the time was working in a public school. It was the end of the school year and I was not planning to tell my principal and co-workers until the beginning of the next school year. That summer was just for us. Our excitement grew and a peace set in. I did notice differences with the pregnancy but knew that each pregnancy was unique. The most noticeable change for me was that I did not “feel” pregnant. With my first pregnancy I had very noticeable physical symptoms that were missing with this one. I even made the statement that this was the “easiest pregnancy ever.”

After one of my early OB appointments I had routine testing done and was told that mild spotting could follow. I did begin to spot some but had no pain or discomfort. The spotting continued longer than it should have but there was never pain or discomfort. In between my 8 week and 12 week appointments I noticed an increase in frequency but not severity of the spotting. I mentioned it to the doctor and was told to lie down and rest when I noticed spotting. I always took their advice. At our 12 week appointment I heard the baby’s heartbeat. It was strong and so all of the fears and anxiety I had because of the spotting subsided. I was reassured that spotting can be normal is some pregnancies and as long as it did not get worse I should not worry. I scheduled my next appointments for around 16 weeks and another ultrasound appointment to hopefully find out the gender of the baby. In my heart I felt it was a boy because the pregnancies were so different.

The time had come for me to go back to work. During the first work days of the school year I set down with my principal and told him about my pregnancy and told my co-workers. I was into my second trimester and felt good. I went through the workdays and got everything ready to start the school year. The first day of school was good and I had a great group of students. The first day of work always makes you tired so I made sure to rest that evening. On August 28, 2007, the second day of school, I rolled over in bed and felt a feeling very similar to when my water broke with my first pregnancy.

I went into the bathroom and knew that something terrible was happening. I was losing so much blood. These details are not pleasant to hear but I will simply state that the longer the pregnancy lasts the more blood and tissue there is. But I still had no pain or cramping. We made plans to take our daughter to daycare as soon as they opened and then went straight to the doctor. I called work and made arrangements for the day.

When I arrived at the doctor office I had no choice but to go straight to the restroom because the blood and tissue loss was tremendous at that point. My husband was doing his best to describe what was happening to the front desk staff. The Lord delivered an angel to me in the form of Karla the OB nurse. She came to the restroom to check on me and at that point I lost any ounce of strength that I had. She got a wheelchair for me and took me to room. They quickly took me to the ultrasound room and it was at that point that, in a kind and loving way, I was told that my child was no longer living. I was taken to surgery where a d and c was performed. I was sent home in a hospital gown because my clothes were saturated in blood. From that point on my life would never be the same.

My grief...

        Two years earlier I was privileged to spend a week at my grandmother’s side as she battled an illness that would eventually take her life. She was a precious soul who constantly spoke God’s word. While I was sitting with her one day a nurse came in and made conversation with her. She asked my grandmother how many children she had and my grandmother said she had four. I corrected her thinking that she must be confused. My mother only had one sibling. She looked at me and said, “No, I had four, two passed before they were born.” At the time, I vaguely remembered hearing that in the past but it did not resonate with me. It is so poignant to me now.

        There is no way to describe the emotions that engulf you after the death of an unborn child. Months of planning abruptly end. Maternal hopes and dreams melt. The anticipation of seeing my children develop bonds that only siblings share dissipate. A void remains. For me there was no funeral to plan, no body to bury, no tangible memories other than the few materials I had gathered during the early months of pregnancy. But my loss was so great. My mother was able to come and spend a few days with me. Her love and support were so important to me, but she did not know how I felt. I needed someone who had experienced this loss to tell me that everything would be ok. I needed to talk about my experience to in a way validate the life of my child. I remember lying on the bathroom floor and, between tears, talking with a friend who had recently lost a child herself. She will never know what that meant to me.

        Because I had had a surgical procedure I was medically excused from work for a few days, but the doctor told me after that to return when I was ready. I went back the next week and this was a horrible mistake. I was emotionally so fragile and had no protection. My advice for other women who I have met after this experience is to always take some time for you to rest and heal. Both physically and mentally. You will grieve your loss. If you do not take the time to allow a natural progression of grief it will manifest itself in another way. This is what I experienced.

        I requested that my principal share my loss with the faculty of my school and ask them not to speak to me about it. I wanted to choose when and where it was discussed. I wanted to control my emotions as much as possible at work. I was hanging on by a thread. In the mornings I would drop my daughter off at daycare and I would pray that God would give me the strength to make it through that day. “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” I would say this verse over and over and over every day.

        The loss on our child was not the only loss I had that school year. The month before my mother had had to have emergency surgery to repair a bleed in her stomach. We were told by the surgeon that she was only hours from being too far gone to be able to save. Two months after our baby passed, my uncle and grandfather passed. A few months after that I witnessed two automobile accidents, one involving the loss of a life. The tiny thread I was holding onto began to break. I was having massive panic attacks at work. I began to see a counselor and was on anti-anxiety medicine prescribed by my physician. I was desperate for help. I searched for books, Bible studies, anything geared towards women who had been through this experience. I found very little. I felt so alone.

        I am blessed with the spiritual gift of faith. It is this faith that pushes me towards Christ in stressful situations. I never questioned God, but man did I beat myself up! What had I done that was so horrible that I needed such severe punishment? In my search I turned to God’s word and during the years that followed I began to surface again. Not only did I find a life support in scripture but in music as well. At the time a song by Natalie Grant was popular and played frequently on the radio. I heard it almost every morning as I drove to work. It says...

Who told us we'd be rescued

What has changed and

Why should we be saved from nightmares

We’re asking why this happens to us

Who have died to live, it's unfair

This is what it means to be held

How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive

This is what it is to be loved and to know

That the promise was that when everything fell

We'd be held....

If hope if born of suffering

If this is only the beginning

Can we not wait, for one hour

Watching for our savior

This is what it means to be held

How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive

This is what it is to be loved and to know

That the promise was that when everything fell

We'd be held

Through this song, I was reminded daily, that I was not alone. That through everything, Jesus, my precious Jesus, was holding me. And even better, He is holding my precious baby that I will meet someday.

My Healing...

      Time went by very slowly the first year. Waves continued to wash over me as milestones that should have happened in my pregnancy when unfulfilled. That Christmas my mother gave me a beautiful amethyst pendant to wear. My baby was due to be born in February. I needed the physical reminder of my baby. Over time I did feel that the counseling helped me. I was blessed to have a physician who prescribed a medicine that only stayed in my system 24 hours at a time and did not affect my personality. As I healed the medicine went away. One of the greatest helps to me was the women whom I met who knew exactly how I felt. It is a silent society, but as I shared my grief there were so many women who stood beside me and offered words of comfort. What a blessing my husband was and is to me as well. He lost a child too. He had to watch the physical trauma that engulfed me. And he was helpless. I am so blessed to have him.

      Without a doubt, my greatest comfort came from the word of God. There were little verses here and there that I would lean on. I would write them on little pieces of paper and put them in my pocket. I would write them on notecards and tape them to my desk and podium. I would recite them over and over as I drove. Several months into my grief process I came across a scripture that my grandmother had often spoke of to me. Psalm 30 is a mirror image to the emotions that I felt during the months and years after the death of our child.

1 I will exalt you, Lord,

  for you lifted me out of the depths

  and did not let my enemies gloat over me.

2 Lord my God, I called to you for help,

  and you healed me.

3 You, Lord, brought me up from the realm of the dead;

  you spared me from going down to the pit.

4 Sing the praises of the Lord, you his faithful people;

  praise his holy name.

5 For his anger lasts only a moment,

  but his favor lasts a lifetime;

weeping may stay for the night,

  but rejoicing comes in the morning.

6 When I felt secure, I said,

  “I will never be shaken.”

7 Lord, when you favored me,

  you made my royal mountain stand firm;

but when you hid your face,

  I was dismayed.

8 To you, Lord, I called;

  to the Lord I cried for mercy:

9 “What is gained if I am silenced,

  if I go down to the pit?

Will the dust praise you?

  Will it proclaim your faithfulness?

10 Hear, Lord, and be merciful to me;

  Lord, be my help.”

11 You turned my wailing into dancing;

  you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,

12 that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent.

  Lord my God, I will praise you forever.

I clung to this passage because it gave me the hope that I needed. I knew that the loss of our child was permanent but this passage gave me that assurance that the feelings I was having were temporary. “Weeping may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning!” I wanted my joy back! I wanted to be able to enjoy the beautiful little girl that God had given to me. I wanted to be a good wife, daughter, sister, and friend.

      Two years after we lost our second child we were surprised again to find out we were expecting a child. When I went to my initial doctor visit I was given a due date that was only two days from the due date of the child I lost. I was watched very closely throughout the pregnancy and everything went fine. Three years after that, our fourth child was born! So you see, now I understand my grandmother so clearly. I have four children. In this life I have the privilege of nurturing, loving, holding, and kissing three of them. But one of my precious babies is waiting on me with my Savior. It is only through Jesus that I have the assurance that I will one day be united with not only my child but my precious grandmother and mother, who passed in 2011. I never parted ways with my grandmother that she did not pray this scripture over me, “Father watch between me and thee while we are absent one from another.” Genesis 31:49. And my healing came from knowing that He was watching after me.

Chocolate Syrup to Die For!

Like any normal kids mine love chocolate milk! Even before we started eating a clean diet I was very selective about what my kids could drink. Basically it is water, organic apple juice that 100% juice (we make our own a lot of the time too), or white milk. Their treat has been chocolate milk. Then I read the labels. So for awhile now they haven't even had chocolate milk. I will say that limiting their choices from the beginning has not really been bad because I have three kids that prefer water most of the time. That is not a bad thing! I don't mind an occasional treat though and began to do some research on how to make my own chocolate syrup. I used this Chocolate Syrup recipe and was not disappointed. It was really simple too! I just had an extra pot on the stove while I was cooking dinner and it was ready to go in the milk with dinner! Here are the ingredients I used:
1 1/4 cup organic sugar
1 cup organic unsweetened cocoa powder
1 cup of water
1/4 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons organic vanilla extract

You can see how thick it is in this picture.

To make the syrup you combine the sugar and cocoa powder in the pot and stir them together. Add the water and salt and stir until combined. On medium heat bring them to a boil and then stir while it boils for 2-3 minutes. You want to be close by when it comes to a boil because mine expanded and you don't want it to boil over. After a few minutes remove it from the heat and let it set for 5 minutes. Stir in the vanilla and you are done! Mine probably cooled for 10 minutes before I stirred it in the milk. We have our milk delivered from a local dairy each Friday so we have good milk. Now we have good chocolate milk too. Only 5 ingredients that I control. No preservatives, no GMOs, no high fructose corn syrup. I'm not saying this is healthy but it is a nice treat every now and then. Store it in an air tight container and it will last 2-4 weeks. Taking a look at how my little buddy likes it and I don't think ours will make it that long!

Going....going.....

Gone! It's ok little buddy, Mommy has more!

Bread for the Visual Learner

 I have had many people ask for my bread recipe and have even had some come over while I am making the bread. I have gladly shared the recipe I started with and welcomed friends into my home. What I realized while learning to make bread is that it would have been much easier if I saw what it was suppose to look like throughout the process. So that is what I am doing in this post. I am going to walk you through how I make bread!
First off I want to explain why I choose to make bread. We began to cut highly processed foods a long time ago and bread was a product I had a hard time finding that measured up to what I felt comfortable feeding my family. I decided I would try my had at making bread myself and started with a basic Amish White Bread. Generally we eat a clean diet. White bread is not a "clean" food but I do use an unbleached organic flour, organic oil, and organic sugar. So, my bread probably would not be considered clean but it is organic and made from whole ingredients. I have made this same recipe with wheat and white wheat flours but my kids and husband won't eat it because they don't like any kind of wheat bread. They are just made that way. So I have chosen to make bread for them they I feel better about them eating. So let's get started!
This recipe makes two loaves. If you only want one you may be able to half it. I've never tried it so I can't say how it turns out. Before I begin I preheat my oven to 350 degrees. Even though the bread will  not go in to the oven for a couple of hours the heat will help the bread rise quicker. Making bread does require some time in the kitchen so I usually put dinner in the slow cooker to give myself a break when dinner rolls around. The heat from the slow cooker also helps the bread rise faster. This is helpful because the bread is going to need to rise twice. You want to cut this time down as much as possible! Here I will list the ingredients I use and where I find them:
- 6 cups organic unbleached flour (This can be hard to find. I order mine in bulk from Amazon Pantry.)
- 2/3 cup organic sugar (I buy in bulk from Costco but I have seen it reasonably priced at Target.)
- 2 cups water (My faucet :)
- 1 1/2 TBS yeast (I buy the jars because I have ruined several loaves not measuring the packets correctly. Just keepin' it real.)
- 1 1/2 tsp kosher salt
- 1/4 cup grape seed oil (The original recipe called for vegetable oil, or something like that. I do not use vegetable oil anymore. I have made bread with organic olive oil too and it came out fine.)

The ingredients and supplies are pretty basic. No need to get intimidated!

To begin I get warm water from the tap and then microwave the water for 1 minute. I would measure the temperature so that you can make sure it is hot enough to activate the yeast. Be sure to check your yeast container for the required temp. It is usually around 110 degrees. My water comes out of the microwave at around 140 degrees. I add the sugar to the warm water and it brings the temperature down. At this point I add the 1 1/2 tablespoons of yeast and stir it in. This is what it looks like after I have stirred in the sugar and yeast.

Warm water, sugar, and yeast mixture.

Now I wait for the yeast to start working. The yeast will become foamy and will cover the surface of the water. This is what it will look like after 10 minutes.

Next I add 1 1/2 teaspoons of salt and 1/4 cup of grape seed oil to the yeast mixture and stir. this is what it will look like.

I then add the flour one cup at a time. You will see the texture change with each cup that you add. 

2 cups of flour added

4 cups of flour added

6 cups of flour added

After I have added the 6 cups I turn the dough out on a floured surface and begin to knead the dough. I have had friends say that you have to knead for 10 minutes. The original recipe said to knead until the dough is smooth and that is what I do. 10 minutes is torture for my ADHD self, even with Apple Radio on the Jimmy Buffet station. This is what my dough looks like when I am finished kneading.

I place the dough in a greased bowl and turn it to make sure it is covered and then I cover it with a warm wet towel to rise. I place it on my stove where the warm oven and slow cooker create a warm and cozy environment for my dough. Can you tell I have an emotional attachment to my bread?

I leave the covered dough to rise until it is doubled in bulk, usually at least 1 hour. It will look like this:

So here is where I am going to interrupt myself. Like I have said, having dinner going in the slow cooker is usually what I do while my bread rises but on this particular day we were having left overs. To create a little more heat I decided to peal some tomatoes from my garden that I wanted to use to make some salsa. Pealing tomatoes is super easy! Get a BIG pot of water and bring it to a boil. I score the bottom of my tomatoes with an X and then drop them in the boiling water. After about 30 seconds you will see the skin start to peel away. At this point I bring them out of the water and put them in an ice water bath. When making salsa I want them to cool quickly because I don't want them to stew. They are so easy to then peel and dice!

Now, Back to the bread! After it has doubled in bulk I turn it back out on my counter and knead it for a minute or two and then divide it in half. I place each half in a greased loaf pan and set it back on my stove to rise for a second time. It needs to rise until it is about 1 inch above the pan. On this particular day that took another hour. It was pretty humid that day and I didn't have the slow cooker going so that may be why it took longer. I have used glass and metal pans and have found that the finished bread falls right out of the metal pans and tends to stick to the glass. 

 

After the bread has risen for a second time it bakes for 30 minutes and is perfect and yummy and delicious and I love it!

I totally forgot to take a picture when they came out of the oven but here is one of the loaves before we cut it. The recipe makes two loaves. Some weeks I make bread twice and other times just once. I have frozen and then thawed loaves and they still taste great!

My salsa was yummy too! I diced the tomatoes I peeled, it was 9 or 10. I just put all these ingredients in a blender. It was that simple!

- 9-10 diced tomatoes (from my garden, you can also buy in bulk at the farmer's market)

- 3-4 hot peppers (from my mil's garden)

- 3 garlic gloves (from the farmer's market)

- 1 large sweet onion (fm)

- 1 red onion (fm)

- 1 bunch of cilantro from the grocery store

- kosher salt to taste

The cilantro and garlic will stick with you so if you aren't a fan of those flavors I would cut back on the amount you put in the blender!

I could never do this!

Over the past several years we have made a lot of changes in our lifestyle. The basic goal is to stay healthy, as in not getting sick, get healthy by losing some weight and changing our eating habits, and eliminating chemicals from our home and bodies. We have gotten to a good place but it has taken a really long time! When people ask us about the changes I often hear, "I could never do that," or "It just seems so expensive!" I thought that I would start sharing some things that we do that are so simple and very cost effective. Obviously there are some sacrifices but to us the benefits are worth it!
One of the changes that we have made in an effort to eat cleaner is to eat less meat. Several years ago we began to eat meat that was only grassfed, with no added hormones or antibiotics, and purchased from a local farmer. We are blessed to have many options near us and we buy most of our meat from T and D Farms at the Waxhaw Farmer's Market. At first the prices knocked me back a little. I mean I could get chicken breasts for $1.99 a pound at the Harris Teeter, why would I pay $12.00 a pound? That sounds crazy! But in my mind not doing it is crazy. I want to put clean food in my kids. I want their bodies and minds to grow strong and not be laced with chemicals that we have no idea how they will effect our bodies in the long run. So, I choose to spend my money at the farmer's market and we don't eat as much meat. In this post I thought I would share some ways that I stretch this form of protein in our diets.
I love my slow cooker and use it several times a week. Yesterday I took one of my chicken breasts packs that cost $10.74 and put it in my slow cooker still frozen. I poured a jar of salsa on the chicken, covered it and went to church. Of course the salsa was a clean, organic brand. If you have homemade, even better!
Clean tortillas are pretty easy to find, just be sure to read the labels. If it has more than five ingredients or you can't pronounce it don't buy it. I found a brand at Costco that only have four whole ingredients and they have to be cooked at home. I don't mind doing that. They don't have a long shelf life but if it is fresh and worth eating it won't! I cooked half of the pack which made 18 tortillas in a skillet. Using the same skillet I then crumbled and browned a pound of sausage that I got for $5.50 a pound from T and D. It is yummy! Using the same skillet and only added a little bit of organic butter I cooked 6 duck eggs that I also got from the farmer's market. I get my organic cheese from Harris Teeter, Whole Foods, Earth Fare, where ever I have been that week. I used grated cheddar.
Once all my ingredients were ready I put together some breakfast burritos for the week. On a fresh tortilla I put a couple of tablespoons of sausage, a couple of tablespoons of egg, and some cheese. I roll them up, wrap them in foil and put them in the freezer. I made 9 breakfast burritos yesterday and had some sausage and eggs leftover for breakfast for the kids with some cheese toast. The other 9 tortillas I put in the fridge for lunch!
After church I shredded the chicken and let everyone assemble their own chicken tacos. The one breast packet, which was less than a pound, made 9 tacos. Between the 5 of us we ate 6 for lunch and I had three left to wrap up for Matt to take for lunch this week. With the tacos the kids had fresh fruit salad, corn, and I think a couple had some chips and salsa too.
Here is the cost breakdown of these two ready to eat/then to freezer meals:
18 tortillas- $2.95
Chicken breasts- $10.74
Sausage- $5.50
Duck eggs- $2.50
Organic cheese- $2.50, it was on sale this week!
Salsa- I can't remember exactly but I think $4.00 is safe!
That makes it around $1.57 an item! That is not bad to me! Plus it was easy! It took me about 25 minutes to cook all the breakfast ingredients and about 30 seconds to put the lunch ingredients in the slow cooker. These are two meal ideas that are made from whole ingredients, not expensive, and actually make enough to provide quick meals the remainder of the week.
You have to plan though. I could spend the time making the tortillas but if I did not plan a way to use them all within a few days they would go bad because there are no preservatives to make them last for 3 months. I'm ok with that! My pantry stays mostly bare and my fridge and freezer are overflowing. I think that is the way it should be! Actually right now I'm going to go make some popsicles out of fruit salad that has gotten a little soft. No waste here!

Being a Mom is Tougher than Tough

I am excited about starting this book study this summer. I think it is just what I have needed. From almost the moment of our oldest child's birth I knew that being their mother is one of the most important roles that God has given to me. At this season of my life it is my main focus because our kids are young and we are still building the foundation that will support them in life. Oh my goodness what a challenge! While it is amazing to watch their individual personalities develop it can be heart wrenching when we get to a bump in the road. Those bumps, and pot holes, and road kill are what keep me up at night. What could I have done to avoid the hazard.
Just this week my 19 month old son was injured while I was tried to keep him safe. He has learned to wiggle out of the safety straps in the Target shopping carts. After re-strapping him in, TWICE, I decided to let him sit in the bigger part of the buggy because I was not buying much. While we were waiting for his sisters to come out of the bathroom he stood up. I told him to sit down and he started backing away from me, and in a instant flipped out of the buggy, landing on the floor. Luckily it was the carpeted portion and he was not seriously hurt. But my confidence was! My pride and self-worth were! I beat myself up about it all day, and in all honesty I probably still am.
To me this was an example of my relationship with God sometimes. As my son's mother and protector, I thought that I my actions would keep him safe. But ultimately my choices led to the exact result I was trying to avoid. Doing things my way does not always have the best consequences. I need to keep myself strapped safely into God's Word, everyday!!! So for me, this summer, this book study will be my safety strap. It will keep me focused and attentive to the help that I may need as a mother, wife, sister, daughter, and friend.

The Value of a Whole Chicken

I have felt like I am drowning for like a month now. I can't seem to catch up. The weight of everything that I have to do is exhausting. It's nothing out of the ordinary, just my everyday life. Which for me makes it seem heavier. If it were something out of the ordinary that there may be an end in sight. But its not, so there's not. Laundry never ends, dishes never end, we are always a day and half behind on school work, I'm always behind on students I need to call. I'm even behind on my hobby. I just finished scrapbooking 2012 for one kid...I have three kids. I'm treading water. I have felt like a huge failure for like three weeks now. This isn't like me, I can usually hold my own. So...I know there is a life lesson here. I have enough faith to know that.
So, here is my second problem....I really miss my mom. The end of March really got to me and I am having a hard time shaking it off. When you love people you hurt for them, and I hurt for a lot of people the last week of March. Going to Alabama always has a recovery period and we were in Alabama the last week of March. My schedule was thrown off and I have had a hard time getting back on track. In the midst of normal, everyday stuff, my heart is aching for one of my children. I am sooooooo thankful that her issues are not major or life threatening, but it is a challenge for her and for me. It seemed like we coasted through with our first child but are hitting some speed bumps with the second. Nothing permanent, but challenging none the less. I can't help it that my heart hurts a little.
In every instance over the last month I have wanted to talk to my mom. Being in North Carolina for so long had gotten me use to not being able to snuggle and hug her, but I talked to her everyday. I mean EVERYDAY! It may have been only for 10 or 15 minutes but she was there. She was so good at giving me honest advice centered around Christ. No cliches. And oh my goodness was she a good listener. I have needed all of that this past month. I have a wonderful husband and good friends but there are just sometimes when one mother needs to talk to her mother. I've tried really hard to hold it together and not loose it this past month. Most of the time I do a good job. But today I bought a whole chicken.
One of my mom's favorite things to do was cook. We cooked together a lot and always shared recipes with each other. She would have loved my new challenge of eating clean and would have constantly sent me recipes. She taught me a long time ago that buying a whole chicken was a great value. Not only can you get two meals out of the meat but you can also make your own stock while cooking it. De-boning the chicken is messy, but we would do it together. Every time we would de-bone a chicken there was a certain part that she would get and she always told me that it was her favorite part of the chicken. She would eat it on the spot. Well, I can't remember what the part was and it breaks my heart. Every time I cook a chicken I try so hard to remember what the part of the chicken was that she loved so much and I can't. I can't remember. So this menial task of cooking and de-boning a chicken breaks my heart every time.
I want to be able to pick up the phone and ask her what part of the chicken is her favorite. I want to tell her that today at Costco a woman got too close to MK and when she thanked her for letting her by MK didn't yell "leave me alone" or "how dare you" at her. I want to tell her that MG finally found a book that she can't put down and that it's Charlotte's Web, yay! I want to tell her that MJ can walk up and down the stairs now on his own. One less thing to worry about. And in the middle of all of these stories I want to ask her for advice. What can I do to keep from drowning?
So today I bought a whole chicken and I cried while I was de-boning the chicken. But when I felt like I needed help a psalm popped into my head. Psalm 121 says "I lift up my eyes to the mountains-where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth." So I took a deep breath and today I will stay afloat, but I still miss my mommy!